Slapthebag's Blog

Same Old Shit, Different Decade. | January 6, 2010

Happy News Years everyone. It feels the same to me. I’m still seeing the guy I was in Dec 2009 and if anything things have gotten worse . I didn’t spend my New Years Eve with this guy, or even wake up with him, and I already knew January 1st that he had to go. The kid is already kissing my ass like I’m his abusive compliment hungry girlfriend, and I’m kicking myself because I’ve realized that it is probably my fault. The week before New Years I stayed at his house every single night, but accomplished a minimal amount of hooking up because of a certain “ahem” monthly visitor. As a reslut I think I  pushed our relationship into something  non-purely sexual. Instead it’s now everything in between that and just short of engagement. I want to vom every time I think about it, and I’ve been scheming of ways I can worm my way out of yet another awkward situation I seem to continuously find myself in. I’ll  probably end up just jumping out of the plane headfirst without my parachute  or common courtisy, because I’d rather get out of dodge quickly than struggle through it to make sure we’re still friends. Poor bastard.

I’ve never been one for New Years resolutions as I’m convinced they are all gd bullshit, but my sanity is at risk and I think its about time I did myself a favor.  Starting as soon as I can shake this spineless overanalytic “helpless romantic” (yes I just threw up a little bit in my mouth) I’m calling it quits for any guy who’s accessories don’t include at least one of the following:

A chainsaw, sleeve of tattoos, chopper, shotgun, warrant out for his arrest – in more than one state, rap sheet, hangglider, shark bite, jacked up jeep, battle wound, passion for deadly thrills, passport stamped Antarctica, or a serious case of  “I don’t give a fuck.”

To everyone else: The position has been filled. Go wash the sand out of your vagina.